It seems like, and I have read this before, that children simply want attention. Whether it is positive or negative. We are the ones who determine their behavior. If we only pay attention to our children when something bad happens, it reinforces that negative behavior. Similarly, if we praise our children when doing something good or give them attention just because they ask nicely to play with us, we encourage positive behavior.
Now that doesn’t mean that you should give them your attention 100% throughout the day. Of course there are other things that need to be done. But it does mean that we should be giving them attention in a healthy and positive way.
Someone recently asked me how I get all three of my children to sit still and behave while at a restaurant. I had never really given it much thought. I mean my kids are generally well behaved and do as I ask. It got me thinking, what is it that I do that makes my children act properly when out in public? Here is what I came up with on how to encourage positive behavior.
Encourage Positive Behavior
Treat Your Children Like Tiny Adults
This may sound strange to some, but from the day each of my children were born I have treated them like tiny adults. I never baby talked to my kids or treated them like they were insignificant or lesser than an adult. When they ask me questions I answer them with honesty and a real answer. Not “because” or “I said so”. I have found that it helps them to feel included and when you give them a solid answer and they don’t keep asking “why?”
Have Well Defined Boundaries and Follow Through
Letting your child be a free spirit can be fun and even necessary at times. But, the majority of the time children need to know what behaviors are good and bad. A very simple example is that hitting is bad and sharing is good. In addition, children need to know that there will be consequences for their actions and that you will follow through.
What I mean by following through is that if you tell your child that you will do something, do it! If you warned them that you would take away their toy if they don’t stop fighting, take the toy away. Or if you tell your child that they will go into time out, put them into time out. It lets your child know that you mean business and that what you said is non negotiable. They learn that when mommy or daddy says stop that they better listen or a negative outcome will happen.
Following through in a positive way is important also. If you say that you will go to the park, go to the park…the same day. Or if you said you would color with them, take the time out to color. This helps your child to know that you will follow through no matter what. Having more positive experiences with parents than negative ones will in turn encourage positive behavior in the future.
Having boundaries and following through are absolute necessities in my book. This is one of the ways I encourage positive behavior in my children.
Give Your Children Positive Reinforcement
As my children have been growing and learning I have made it a goal of mine to promote positive behavior. During the terrible twos and the temper tantrums they bring I didn’t argue or yell with my children when they misbehaved, I simply ignored them. Or if it was really bad they would go into time out. I would talk to them and tell them why they were in time out and let them know that when they were done we could start playing again. That may sound horrible, but when they didn’t get a reaction out of me they learned that they didn’t like it and changed their behavior.
When my children made and still do make good choices I encourage them and compliment them. I tell them they have done a good job or that what they did was kind and that we should always try to do that. I also make it a goal of mine to make time for them each day. Even though life is busy and I feel swamped a lot of the time, when they ask to play with me I know that I can sacrifice some of my time toward another task to make sure that they are getting the positive attention they deserve. This way they don’t act out in order for me to give them negative attention.
Encourage Positive Behavior with a Routine
I’ve said this before in another post, but routine is so important for children. When my kids were much younger the only routine I really had was the time we woke up, lunch, dinner and bed. Even with this simplistic routine, it has helped them to have stability and to know that certain things are going to happen the same way each day.
The most important of our routines in my opinion is our bedtime routine. This is where we always spend quality time together even if the day has been nuts. Every night around 7:30pm we get ready for bed. This includes bath, pajamas, brushing teeth, and then our favorite…story time. We head to the bedroom and I let each child pick a book to read. Then we read, get tucked in, pray and say goodnight. We do this every night no matter what. Some nights we cut it down to 1 longer story depending on the circumstances. Even so, I always make sure to keep our nightly routine the same. My kids go to bed feeling happy and safe and warm and that is an amazing feeling.
Give Your Children Options
Giving your children options helps them with decision making skills. Not too many choices though. When they are very little you can have them choose between two options and as they grow you can increase that number. I would still try to keep the choices between no more than 4 as they get older. Too many choices can be frustrating, even to adults.
From the time my kids could understand and respond to questions I asked I would give them choices. Something even as small as the color of plate they had for lunch. Now, they get to choose things like the clothes that they wear, how their hair is done for the day, and who gets to do what chore.
They also have choices when it comes to the way we approach dealing with conflict. For example, if my children are fighting over a toy I tell them to stop. If they continue, I give them a warning and a choice. I let them know that they can solve the problem amongst themselves or that the toy will have to be put away for later. More often than not, they choose to solve the problem on their own. This also helps them to identify the problem they are having and how to solve it without the penalty of losing the toy.
Final Notes to Encourage Positive Behavior
These tips or tricks aren’t guaranteed to give you well behaved children. This is just what works for our family. My children are definitely not well behaved all the time. But they do know what is expected of them when we go out. We understand each other and communicate rather than getting frustrated or whining at each other.
There isn’t a one size fits all way to parenting. We wouldn’t have all the uniqueness in the world if there was. Simply giving our children the attention they need and deserve now can save us from having to correct behavior in the future. Having a healthy foundation of love, support and patience with our children will encourage positive behavior. Remember that we are in this together. So don’t forget to breathe and enjoy the journey.